TOPIC:

A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
*** IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL ! ***

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! He explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,"Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair, And adds permanent wave."

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos,
and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by,
covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back
to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,
'Maaaaate. ...........The potato goes in the front!'

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two ?"

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to do some ‘horizontal dancing’ with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not do the ‘wild thing’.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration..
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..
'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

A snob in big luxury car climbs out of his car in a car park and eyes the fella next to him as he gets out of his Little car. Being the ultimate snob, he looks down his nose and says to the bloke in the little car “What a cute tiny car, has it got an air con?”. Yep says the bloke in the little car. “Has yours got a full stereo system “ asks the bloke in the little car. The snob laughs and says “ of course, it’s the finest system in the world. So does yours have a TV” asks the snob? “Yep, in the back seat next to the bedroom, does yours have one of these?” asks the bloke in the little car. The snob goes red and says “no I don’t” and storms off. He goes to the dealer that sold him his limo and demands they fit a bedroom. This was done, so he hunts the neighbourhood to find the man with the little car. He finally finds him and bangs on the window. No reply, so he keeps banging till the window comes down. The snob looks at the man with his hair wet and says to him “I have a beautiful bedroom in my car now”. The little man says “what??? You pulled me out of the shower to tell me that???”

Will You Live to see 85? Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yes I just reached 65).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F ** K do you want to live to 85?