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TOPIC: Time for a daily joke

Time for a daily joke 6 months 4 weeks ago #188948

  • jackspratt
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DD wrote:

jackspratt wrote: In the blink of an eye, mike, you have gone from being a do-gooder, to merely a fun police. ;)

Keep up the good work. đź‘Ť

Are you stalking me Jack? That is some troubling behaviour.


You pulled that one previously, DD.

This time, as then, just fortunate timing.

Paranoia is never a good look.

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 4 weeks ago #188949

jackspratt wrote:

DD wrote:

jackspratt wrote: In the blink of an eye, mike, you have gone from being a do-gooder, to merely a fun police. ;)

Keep up the good work. đź‘Ť

Are you stalking me Jack? That is some troubling behaviour.


You pulled that one previously, DD.

This time, as then, just fortunate timing.

Paranoia is never a good look.

Sure is dickhead. Maybe you can use that in your desperate attempts to comeback to Australia under the guise of “essential travel” to get treatment from your shrink.

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 4 weeks ago #189114

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I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered,
'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 3 weeks ago #189302

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Blondes
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 3 weeks ago #189418

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A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections
to be an Independent candidate."
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."
He was filling in the form until he came to the question:
''Are you circumcised?"
So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"
She replied,
"Sir, I'm sorry, but if you are circumcised you aren't eligible
to run for election."
He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"
She replied...."It's quite simple sir -
To become a politician you have to be a complete prick!"

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 2 weeks ago #189871

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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 1 week ago #190155

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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box of frogs.
The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20each! Come with complete instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1.Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .
.NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
"If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store."
So she calls the pet store, the man says 'I'll be right over' and arrives within minutes.
The blonde lets him in and says, " I've done everything according to the instructions but the damn frog just SITS there!'
The man looking very stern, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and says:
'NOW, YOU LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ...TIME!!!'

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Time for a daily joke 6 months 3 days ago #190636

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I met a bloke the other day who was into
Masturbation, necrophilia and beastiality.
I think he was flogging a dead horse.

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Time for a daily joke 5 months 4 weeks ago #190925

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I was in a pet shop last week when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder…

"Where did you get that from?" I asked,


Christmas Island, there's thousands of them!" --said the Parrot…!!

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Time for a daily joke 5 months 3 weeks ago #191227

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DID YOU KNOW.......

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

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