TOPIC:

THE MONKS
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk.." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,topaz,and amethyst.Finally, the monks say,"This is the key to the last door."The man is relieved to be at the end.He unlocks the door,turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound It is truly an amazing & unbelievable sight.I cant tell you coz you're not a monk

Taronga Zoo in Sydneyhad acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla
was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Colin, a big
Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Colin, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy
a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a
solution.
Colin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex
with the gorilla for $500?
Colin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully.
The following day, Colin announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Colin , "You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500.

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."
"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London ,
the Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a humongous parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.

MILLIONS lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.

Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.

It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!

Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!

By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was CLOSED".

Mick from Dublin appeared on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" & towards the end
of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
" You've done very well so far" said the shows presenter, " but for a Million
Pounds you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding
on this question. Will you go for it."
" Sure" said Mick. " I'll have a go"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"
(a) Sparrow?.. (b) Thrush?.. (c) Magpie?.. (d) Cuckoo?.
"I haven't a clue" said Mick. " so I'll use my last life-line & phone my friend
Paddy back home in Dublin"
Mick called up his mate in a bar, and told him the circumstances and repeated
the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told the presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the presenter.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

A man went to the police station one morning and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.

'Can't let you do that sir. You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant told him.

'But you don't understand I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' the man explained. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

Six guys were playing poker when John Smith loses $500 on a single hand. Suddenly he just clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Mr Brown looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell his wife?”
The remaining 5 men decide to draw straws. It is Mr White that picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Mr White walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.
White says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.” She yells out, “Bloody hell, tell him to drop dead!”
White replies, “Ok I’ll go tell him right now.

Irish golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and
poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, you've got me fair and square.
You get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.
"I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."
And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three
things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole,
he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"It was me that made you hit the ball here,"the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's your golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.
"I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank you. I did that for your golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that for you also. And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,
"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Kiwi goes to the fish n chips shop. I’ll have 2 pieces of fush and 2 dollars of chups. Owner says “you’re a kiwi, aren’t you? He says, yeah, how dud you know? Your accent mate, easy to pick. Kiwi thinks, I’ve had enough of thus, heppens everywhere. So he goes off to practice the Aussie lingo. Fush, chups, fush chups, fish chups , fush chips, Fish chips. 2 months later he thinks Bewdy , got it now. So kiwi heads back to the shop and asks the bloke behind the counter. I’ll have 2 pieces of FISH AND TWO DOLLARS OF CHIPS. Bloke behind the counter says, you’re a kiwi, aren’t you? Kiwi is flabbergasted, how did did you know? Bloke says, because this has been a hardware store for the last 2 months.