TOPIC:

To the recruitment Officer Kelmscott FC
Please see my Resume in the second post.

I hereby wish to apply for the club management position for 2018.

Thank you for taking the time to look over my proposal please see below some of the key points I can make a difference to the Kelmscott FC for 2018.

Ideas for better management of players:
• I’m suggesting a player budget of $85k for next year and our assault on E1 competition.
• We can put an ATM out the front of the change rooms so players each get a card and can access cash once left the room saves the yellow envelopes and we can make $2.00 on each transaction, genius.
• Mrs McCracken has a diploma in beauty services and can disguise any player into another player – doesn’t matter about wieght or height, no one will know.
• My personal lawyer Lionel is available for player contracts and understanding of association by-laws so we will be in front of all our competition.

Upper level management:
• I can provide a free pie warmer for Gandolf at the bench and any hungry players for half time. Its scientifically proven cut oranges don’t provide enough protein for 2nd half – a pie is the secret.
• I can hold the coaches board as to not give coach or Gandolf any strenuous jobs for the day.
• I can further talk to local clubs about club merge to make sure we have more than 6 people training on a Thursday.

Clubhouse:
• I can pour beer and drink it so we can make a sale at the bar.
• Phil Jnr has put his hand up to clean toilets.
• Can give regular Ozfooty updates to our fans.

Remuneration:
I am happy to apply for this position for no cost. All I ask is that I can live in the clubhouse for free of charge and use the toilet facilities. I only need to shower once a week as if I shower to much my eczema flares up. Phil Jnr has accommodation with some guy called Cardinal Pell and assures he’s in safe hands, so only one bed required.
I do occasionally have some lady friends pop over most don't have teeth and are slightly obese so should gel in with local guests after the game.

Please consider me for this position I truly believe I like Donald Trump can make your club great again.

You know where to find me just Honk twice on the Honky Tonk.

RESUME FOR MR P. McCRACKEN

Phillip Seymour McCracken
Underpass 4 Tonkin Hwy
Kenwick 6107
Ph: Honk Twice
Email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Professional Profile:
A fresh faced community focused year 7 graduate looking for a sports club management position, Here to make your club great again.

Education:
Graduated year 7 Maddington Primary 1993 with high distinction.

Certificate IV in garbage collection and disposal (TAFE) 2001

Diploma of cardboard building services
Stanley College WA 2002

Employment History:
Senior waste remover city of Gosnells 2003 -2004

Casuarina prison football team manager 2005-2007 & 2010-2013
(have managed half of Kelmscott team here)

Special Skills:
Outstanding social media skills.
Complete understanding of Tinder, Grinder, Xnxx and Facebook.
The ability to make a house out of highway rubbish.
Attraction of females human and animal types.
Can do good burnouts in my datsun

References:
Lionel Hutz
Personal Lawyer
0456891247

Sen Dee kat
Owner of Kelmscott Chinese restaurant
94789456

Sleevesy
Past collegian FC Friend
Ozfooty - Sleevsey

Seeing as Maddington is folding next year Phil this looks like an ideal position for you

Classic as always

You've got my vote ##### is a disgrace to football and the new gm is just his puppet HAS NOT changed a thing my 80 year old grandmother could do a better job. What a power trip this guy is on and destroying if not destroyed over a 100 year old club lets see how the court case goes and I predict kelmscott will be lucky to have a football club next year . What a shame but i hope the league stands up to him and wins.

One of the best laughs ever - good work!

A warning here. Be careful of the language, tone and allegations when you name someone on this forum. I have received complaints before on this thread. I suggest you read the terms and conditions of this forum.

King wrote: You've got my vote ##### is a disgrace to football and the new gm is just his puppet HAS NOT changed a thing my 80 year old grandmother could do a better job. What a power trip this guy is on and destroying if not destroyed over a 100 year old club lets see how the court case goes and I predict kelmscott will be lucky to have a football club next year . What a shame but i hope the league stands up to him and wins.

Sorry for being naïve, but what court case?

TheRock wrote:

King wrote: You've got my vote ##### is a disgrace to football and the new gm is just his puppet HAS NOT changed a thing my 80 year old grandmother could do a better job. What a power trip this guy is on and destroying if not destroyed over a 100 year old club lets see how the court case goes and I predict kelmscott will be lucky to have a football club next year . What a shame but i hope the league stands up to him and wins.

Sorry for being naïve, but what court case?

Before you go calling me a puppet you better be prepared to come and say it to my face.

So if you're not a puppet that'd mean you approved the dodgey players? Good job chooka just another one in the line of a disgrace that is Kelmscott football club!